Adventures in la

[This truck is near the LA River but not in it. As you can clearly see. What are you some sort of doofus? But obviously this truck is cool.]

So. There is a river in LA. Did you know?

Ok, so you knew, but did you know that it’s actually not that gross?  In fact, it’s pretty spectacular. You could go check out the river up by Griffith Park, but it wouldn’t be much of an adventure. It would just be nice and you could look at birds and wildlife and shit.

No. You want to do something that gives you a thrill.

So go to North Main Street where the bridge runs over the ground level train tracks. On the Northeast side of the bridge you can climb down the side of the bridge. It’s ok to step on that shopping cart. It’s wedged pretty good. It’ll hold your weight.

I’m pretty sure those stains are from the oily algae slime and aren’t poop, but wash your hands when you get home, just in case.

Speaking of oily algae slime, be careful not to step in the stream of water that’s coming from that drain pipe. It’s slippery.

Wear shoes that can get wet and never go barefoot, there’s broken glass around. Some people swim in the river and some people ride surfboards, but usually you will only see one or two other people. They might be smoking pot, which I’m sure they have a prescription for, so who are you to judge them, asshole?

When you’ve had your fill of urban park times (bring a picnic!), you can go under the bridge to the south and find the place where the broken fence drapes over the wall. Climb out there, it’s much easier than touching that weird poop stain on the bridge. Stay off the railroad tracks on your way back to the road.

Look out for monster tumbleweeds. I kept a small one, but I have my eye on the one that’s taller than my waist.

Don’t drown.

[These stairs will not be on the agenda so don’t get all excited about working your glutes or whatever]

It’s true. Google is not great at providing that thrill that only something that is unknown and maybe a little bit dangerous puts in the pit of your stomach. Google is better at known, safe and sanitary.

Boring!

Here’s a thriller: Wear grippy shoes and start like you’re driving to Vegas. Somewhere along that big curving valley after you hit the 15 (about an hour from Los Feliz), off to the left, there is a big cluster of rocks. Get off the highway and find the off-roading track over there by the train tracks. Leave your car and try to find a way to the top. Just remember that down is always harder than up.

Don’t fall and die.

This morning, as I was lying in my bed resisting the hour of waking up, I heard a small gas powered device roar to life just outside my window. I was annoyed by the sound at first, until I rolled over and looked out the window to see a man scaling the palm tree with a chainsaw (on and running) hanging from his belt, or harness or whatever.

Let me reiterate. While I was lying in bed hitting the snooze button, a man was scaling the trunk of a very tall palm tree with a chain saw dangling off his waist so that he could cut the dead palm fronds off where they overlapped a power line. Do you think he gets hazard pay? I don’t.

Naturally, after that, continued laziness was pretty much out of the question.